I feel so ......geez I don't even know. I am breaking down. I cry every single day. I'm trying to keep it all together for the world. The world that I am expected to be ready for. I have to keep it together for work,for my co-workers and customers. I have to keep it together at home, for my mother and son. So there is no time to break down. I cry a lot in my car. It's the only time I have really to get it out. And it does not all get out. I have been single since 2003. I have been on a handful of dates between then and now. If I remember correctly only one got more than one date, the rest either did not want to be patient and were not interested in me, or I didn't have any spark for that person. It seems that it's almost expected for first date sex and i am so not about that. There was a time yes when I was more open, but now I value myself more. I see how guys don't value females much at all. So I make guys wait if they are really interested then they will, most do not want to wait. Fine then go on and find what you are looking for. No loss here......trust me on that! I know that they are losing out on a great amazing woman, but if they cannot wait then I am not losing anything. I live out my feelings through music. The best way I know how. I try and distract myself with some fun sexy Britney or something, but sometimes I need the emotion in songs by artists such as Coldplay. I wish someone could "fix me". I don't know even what I am doing anymore. I unwisely gave my heart to someone I know I shouldn't have. It was someone I never thought could get my heart and it all happened so quickly. I "met" him through facebook and through mutual friends. He is 9 years younger than I am, so he is only 20 years old. He also lives across an ocean in Ireland. I don't know a connection was made through words online and phone conversations. my heart slipped out from under me and I don't know what happened. All I know is when I think of a lover, he is what pops into my brain. I've tried to "get over it" I really have. I have tried all the methods, but he still is there haunting me. He has moved on , or seems to do a good job and making me think he has... I never was interested in younger men, let alone someone who did not live within 45 mins of me. He came along and swept me away. In almost all ways, he was never who I pictured myself falling for. Physically he is not who I pictured as my perfect mate, but when I look at him, something loves him deeply. Now, that I do not have contact with him ....my insides feel like they are being twisted up and held tightly. There are times when I think I've gotten over it, where I actually make it a few days with a smile and no tears. But the feeling returns ..it always does. I know it was crazy but I thought it was worth a try. And now my heart is locked away for it was given away and broken, and I just can't open up so easily.